09. " don't tell me i don't listen! ", she said.

I told B. that I wanted him to purge of everything he had of her. Everything, she had a couple of his CD's that she borrowed and I borrowed a CD from her but left it at B.'s place. I asked him to remove her number off his cellphone, to take her screen name off his buddy list on AOL Instant Messenger, to get rid of absolutely everything. He managed to put it off, and I let it slide. B. doesn't think doing those little things would amount to anything. He didn't really "put it off", he took her screen name off his primary screen name, but the rest he left it. He says he doesn't use those accounts and it's not that he did it on purpose, he did not remember.

There was a time I mentioned that her screen name was still there, but he did not make a move it remove it from his list. He also did not remove her number from his mobile phone until a few weeks ago, but he assures me that he has not called her. He does not believe that these little things will do us any good, he says can't I see the bigger picture of what he is doing. How even though he has his number on her mobile, he has not called her. How she does not mean enough for him to even remember that her screen name was on his other accounts. How she does not mean enough that he did not even remember her number was on his mobile?

I did not talk to Pam for a month or more. I was not ready yet, I still had to get myself in order. I finally called her after I decided it was time to iron things out. I did not call her to fight or yell at her, I simply wanted to make it clear that I do not hate her, I want to iron things out, not to be friends again. I knew things would never be the same between her and I. I did not expect it to be, I did not expect anything, just to talk about things.

I don't hate anybody, I don't even hate Pam. I do not understand Pam, but I do not hate her. Even to this day, I don't. I still don't understand her though. I called her mobile phone but she never picked up. Instead she called B. but B. has his phone on silent and did not know she was calling until later. I still do not know why she called B. after she did not pick up my calls. I never asked her that.

After a couple more months, she popped up on AOL Instant Messenger. Since she was not answering her phone, this was the only way I could talk to her. I made the first move and talked to her. I told her I wanted to iron things out, and she told me that we will never be friends like how we were. I explained that I knew that, that is not why I am talking to her. She got very defensive, for reasons unknown to me. Later on, in her online journal she wrote an obscure post about how some people always try to be on good grounds with you, but their real intentions are to get you closer and then attack you. Like Machiavelli's theory of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer".

That was not my intention, but even when I told her that I'm not planning to blackmail her or anything, she still thought that. I don't even know what I did to have her think that. She told me that before she slept with B. she felt that I was plotting against her, that I had some underlying plan to sabotage her.

Sabotage her for what? I honestly do not know. I actually felt she had some underlying intentions because everything told me that she liked B. but when I asked her if she liked him, she denied it. Then she did not listen when I tried to tell her B. liked her. To this day, she thinks that I got mad at her for no reason, even when I told her plain and simple my reason was because she showed me no courtesy, no respect, and just continued to play her childish game.

In later conversations I asked her if she hated me. She said she did. Ironic isn't it? That she lied to me but I do not hate her, and then she sleeps with my boyfriend and hates me. I asked her why she hated me, and she said, "I don't know, I just do". When I pried for more reasons, she said I had changed.

I asked her how I had changed, and she couldn't tell me how I had changed. She said, Okay maybe you didn't change and just my view of you changed. And so I said, "Okay, so then it's not really me, you just hate me because you want to". And she said, Yeah, I guess so.

I apologized to her for calling her a whore when I found her sleeping with B. that day. I apologized for other things I had said to her. I apologized for reasons I did not have, that I must have done something to have Pam sleep with B., I apologized for that even though it was hardly feasible.

I told B. to apologize to her because no girl should lose her virginity that way and to REALLY end it this time. He said he called her on the phone and told her that it was nothing emotional and "ended it". He did it right after he slept with her, and he did it again over AOL Instant Messenger when I asked him to. On Instant Messenger Pam never replied, so I couldn't be sure if she ever got his message and his apology.

When I asked Pam if she had talked to B. yet, she told me she did not hear a word from him since they slept together. I believed her then, because I figured she never got those messages on Instant Messenger and I did not know about B. calling her until recently. I apologized for B., because I did not know that B. had already apologized over the phone. She told me she hadn't heard from him, so I believed her.

I asked if she liked him, and she said she did not anymore, but she did before. I asked her what happened to not hurting me, to not doing anything with B. because she would never want to hurt me that way. She said she felt bad, she said she has failed me as a friend, but she never said sorry. I think to this day, she still believes she did not do anything wrong.

Pam and I got in a few arguments, she defended her position by saying when she went over she had no idea that he was going to sleep with her. I retorted by saying Did you not remove your own clothes? Did you not undress yourself and bend over when he asked? What did you think he was going to do?

She kept saying she did not know when she came over and I stressed the fact that Okay, so you didn't know when you went over, but I am sure you knew when you undressed yourself and bent over. She said nothing. She just kept repeating that she did not know when she came over. Pam has the amazingly ability to ignore everything another person says.

She said to me, "Why don't you go yell at your boy?! Why are you just yelling at me?!" I laughed. I said, "You think B. doesn't get yelled at? He gets A LOT worse than this from me". She made it like B. raped her, like he put a gun to her head and told her to take off her clothes. I was amazed she could even take that position when she herself took off her own clothes and knew what was going to happen when she bent over. I told her, "why are you making it sound like B. RAPED you? He did nothing like that, you GAVE it to him, you undressed yourself, you bent over yourself, you were fully aware of what he was going to do. Do not make yourself sound like the VICTIM." She scoffed. She said, "Yeah right, I let him take it away from me. I WANTED him to do that to me" (sarcastically).

She accused me of being of holy and righteous. She said I always try to do the right thing even though she knows my true intentions are not right. I asked her how she knew what my true intentions are, and she said she knows how people in this world are.

The thing with Pam is that she thinks she knows everything. I am honestly not saying this to be mean, I did not even realize that until B. pointed it out to me. She thinks she knows everything about sociology and human behavior. She bases it all on herself, because SHE has bad intentions then everyone else does too. She does not believe that I was not trying to attack her, I was just trying to understand things so I could finally find some closure.

She said to me, "why are you saying all this stuff? Why are you talking about all this stuff? To remind me that you're better? To remind me that I'm not as good as you? My boyfriend is cheating on me already, I don't need you to make me feel worse."

That really ticked me off. That's like a murderer whose wife cheated on him, and he says, "hey, why are you (the jury) convicting me? My wife is already cheating on me, give me a break!"

I can't stand that kind of stuff. I can't stand people who run from responsibility. Fine, do it if you're not hurting anyone else, but when you hurt other people, responsibility must be taken. Pam did not want to be blamed for anything. She said I am blaming her for B. sleeping with her. I told her very plainly, "No, that is not what I blame you for. What B. did is what B. did, I don't blame you for that. B. did it himself, YOU did not ruin my relationship with B., B. did that all by himself. I blame you for LYING to me, for telling me you didn't like him when you actually did, for playing stupid childish mind games with me." But she did not listen. She insisted over and over, "You're just blaming me for B. sleeping with me because you want to make yourself feel better!".

After this incident I learned a lot about Pam very quickly. One thing I learned was that Pam takes things to the extreme. Especially anger. We were talking about abortion and I asked her if there was a chance B. got her pregnant. Fortunately, she wasn't, but she said if someone got her pregnant out of wedlock, she would not tell the father. I was appalled. Why wouldn't you tell the father? I asked. She said, "Why should I? So he can run out on me and my kid?". I said don't you think the father has the right to know, maybe he wants to help raise the child. She said No, men are dogs. She has built a hate toward all men because of her boyfriend who was cheating on her and possibly because of B., although I never asked. This is what I mean by taking things to the extreme, based on her experience with 2 men (with B. I think she should have been wise enough to smell trouble brewing), she forms her opinion on the whole species of men. Another example is when we were working and our supervisor switched her to another department. She was convinced that our supervisor hated her even though I explained, and other coworkers explained, that he is only doing his job as our supervisor.

I will say this again, Pam has the amazing ability to ignore everything another person says. I still do not understand why she hates me. She expresses this animosity toward me for a reason even she herself cannot give.

08. make up sex

After that day, I did not speak to B. for a few days. I surrounded myself with family and tried to push bad thoughts out of my mind. I did tell him that I was not going to leave, I wanted to work it out. I did not speak to him, and when I did I was terse and snappy. I insulted him openly and attacked him with words (the only way I know how to attack a person). A couple days right after I found him fornicating with my friend was Chinese New Year. I must say, it was extremely lucky (or unluckly, depending on how you look at it) that he cheated on me so soon before the Chinese New Year. I had my doubts about staying with him, but Chinese New Year is a time for a clean start, to sweep out the bad and bring in the good. It was also supposed to be a good year (year of the Monkey). Chinese New Year is also a time for forgiveness, that is a major thing about Chinese New Year, to let go of grudges. I am not very traditional, I was born in U.S. and despite my heritage I grew up as a proud American with a streak of Chinese authenticity. If not for that holiday, I don't know if I would still be here. Funny how things work out.

I spoke to him on the computer through AOL Instant Messenger. I was still attacking him, and he yelled at me. He asked me, "Do you want us to work out or not?!". I said yes I do. And he said, "then why are you doing this?! All this is counter-productive. Sure, you can insult me, call me names, you don't think I know you hate me already?! But this isn't getting us anywhere. You don't call and you don't speak when I call you, it doesn't look like you want us to work out!" I did not say anything, I knew he was right, I was boiling in anger and did not want to admit. I said I had to go, said good bye, and signed off.

After that, I finally called him after a few days of avoiding him completely. He wrote me an email expressing how sorry he was, how he understood if I don't want to see him, how he would wait until I wanted to see him again, how he is sorry for always yelling at me, how he is just so sorry for everything and he knows sorry does not suffice but he does not know what else to say. I cried when I read his email.

When I called him he was with his friend at his parents' place having dinner. I said sorry for interrupting and started to hang up, but he immediately told me I was not interrupting, he sounded genuinely glad I finally called him. He asked me what was up, and I said I wanted to get a book at Barnes and Noble, Did he want to come with me to get it? He said he would, he would call me back after he ate dinner.

I waited for his call. Waited and waited, he did not call after an hour. B. does not take very long to eat, so I called him first. I was pissed off, by now Barnes and Nobles would be closed by the time we got there. He apologized and said he was taking his time eating. He said, "I'm sorry, I guess I won't see you now.." He sounded disappointed. When B. is honestly hurt and disappointed it really hurts me. Some people say I'm too much of a softie. In movies, I often feel bad for the villain because in the end he lost and that must really suck for the villain. I felt horrible, so I asked B. if he wanted to go and get a bite to eat. He said he just ate, but he'll go anyway. He asked me where I wanted to go, and luckily I was in the mood for French Toast at this cafe near his parents' house.

I met him at the train station, I did not say hello. I stopped while I waited for him to wipe his glasses, and then continued walking and he followed. We did not speak. At the cafe we sat and I attempted to start a conversation. He did not have much to say. After I finished eating, we walked to his parents' place. He said they had a red envelope to give me for the Chinese New Year that just passed. We walked to his parents' place, it was a freezing night. The wind was sharp and my cheeks felt like they were being cut with razors.

His parents gave me the red envelopes and we stuck around for a while in his old room. I looked at the books on the shelf while he looked over his mail. We sat around reading funny stories from this book for bathroom reading with humorous stories. It did not actually feel normal, but hell, I can fake it.

He said it was getting late, he should take me home. I wanted something to happen that night. He said he had this good DVD at his place, and I said I wanted to watch it. So we agreed that I would go over and watch it. At the train station, I put my head on his shoulder and he did not move. He seemed to freeze. Later on, when I asked him why he didn't hug me, or do something, he said he was afraid, he didn't know what he was supposed to do, so he just stood there.

We arrived at his place and while I watched the movie he did the laundry. I told him that I wanted everything washed. The sheets, the blanket, everything. He took down the sheets, the blanket, the pillow cases, the blanket cover, and he lugged it all to the Laundromat and did the laundry. I felt amazed, I didn't think he would do it. B. has a major stubborn streak (as do I), he does things his way and wiggles out of doing things another person's way like a weasel. He's hard headed but ambitious when he really gets to something he wants to do. That night, he even folded the laundry (he never folds the laundry).

He changed the sheets to the olive green ones that I like. He put away the blue sheets that was on the bed when he slept with Pam. We haven't used those sheets since and I hope we will never use it again.

That night, I showered with him. I had hardly spoken a word to him the past few days, haven't held his hand, did not even want to be near him at all, did not want to touch him at all. I showered with him and he kept his distance. He was being cautious, washed me and I stood there using his shoulder for balance. When he leaned over me to put the soap back in the soap dish, I kissed him, and he kissed back. He held me fiercely, and whispered thank you.

07. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to write

Shortly after B. and I got back together I told him that if he was going to be with me, he had to end it with Pam. A few times when I came over, she would be there because she had to use his bathroom. I didn't buy any of that, when a person stops in to use someone else's bathroom they don't stay for another hour. That is what Pam did, she would hang around for another hour. Another time when B. and I got back to his place she called his home phone, and he answered on speaker since his phone had died. She asked if he was avoiding him. I knew something was not right, regular platonic friends do not ask those kind of questions. B. said he would end it with her, he would tell her to stop "dropping in to pee", to stop calling, and he would stop calling her as well. A couple of days later he told me he told her that he and I are back together and told her that they should not keep in touch anymore. I was relieved.

I caught the flu almost right after we got back together. Again, he took care of me. He brought me to the doctor, I stayed at his place because no one was home at my house. He took care of me, picked me up from school, cooked for me, made me tea, drew me hot baths, yelled at me when I did not get off my lazy butt to go to the doctor. After I went to the doctor, I started to get better. He did not give me antibiotics, but another prescription I do not remember the name do. All it did was simply attack the influenza virus, but I did not know that it did not help me create an immunity to that virus.

We got in another fight because I was absorbed in my own self-pitying sick world. I was sick and I thought I deserved special treatment. I thought I should be babied. I was sick! I always told myself that, What does he want me to do? I'm sick, doesn't he know that? The thing you should know about B. is that his approach to everything is Just Do It. I'm not trying to steal Nike's logo, but that is just how he is. Even if you're sick, that doesn't mean you can do NOTHING. To him, there is never a reason why you should do nothing, that is unacceptable (unless you're dead). And he's right. My parents always babied me when I was young. For the week I was sick, I became an spoiled 5 year old and B. became my father. I did not take medicine because I did not like it. I kicked off the covers because I was hot even thought I knew I had to "sweat out" the flu. I did not drink lots of fluids because I was not thirsty. I did not eat what B. cooked. I did not want to get up to go to the doctor because I couldn't stand up even though my condition was not getting better and my fever went over 103 the previous night. We fought before he left for work because my selfishness and spoiled behavior was stopping him from what he needed to do (get to work on time). I went home that night (I could finally walk without feeling dizzy, thank God).

A few days later, B. was silent, he did not talk to me. One of the days we got in an argument before I had to leave for school. We could not resolve it right there, but I said I would call him if I was going over. After school, I could not find a pay phone near my school and I did not have a mobile phone. I decided I'll just go over because I have keys to his place and I was still recovering from the flu and I was not going to walk around to look for a pay phone. I arrived at his apartment and opened the door. I walked into the bedroom and B. jumped off the bed. He was naked and whereas a person would wonder why, I shook it off and figured he was just hot because his room happens to be the warmest room in the house and it was quite hot in there. He asked if I wanted to shower, he was about to go shower.

"Uh.. no.. I'm okay, why do you have to shower?"
"Because I'm dirty"
"You don't look dirty, just sweaty"

As I was putting my bag down, I noticed a blue bra on the floor. All of this should have raised my eyebrows, but I was in a half daze from my flu and medication. Then I noticed a pair of female jeans draped over the chair.

My heart began to race, it slowly began to fall into place.

"Who's jeans are those?" I asked suspiciously.
B. was looking at the floor. "They're Pam's."
"Where is she?"
"She's on my bed"
"What is she doing on your bed without her pants?"
B. was still looking at the floor. "I'm sorry" he mumbled to his feet.

I stared, I could not believe what was happening. I walked over to the bed and pulled on the lump that was covered with the blanket. The lump pulled back. I went into the bathroom because I had been holding in my pee all day and could not do it any longer. When I got back Pam's pants and bra were no longer on the floor. I sat and did not look at the bed. I could hear the bed creak as she redressed. B. put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt over his naked body and I was steaming with disgust and anger, with betrayal, unbelief, pain, anguish. I was feeling everything except anything good.

In a huge crisis, I am able to keep my head. Regrettably, I cannot say this for all crises. I am sure other people possess this quality as well, it works great to keep a level voice, it helps people understand you so much better.

When I am as angry as I was that day, I do not even bother to scream, but I somehow manage to keep a steady voice. I sat in the chair and I began to interrogate.

"Are you going to go out with her?"
No answer.

"Why did you do this? Because I was not paying attention to you when I was sick?"
I don't know.

"What about how you were supposed to end it? You said you did."
I didn't really. I just told her we were back together.

"Why did you lie about us breaking up? Do you want to break up?"
He shrugged. Everything was just falling apart...

"So you go and have sex with my friend?!"
I'm sorry.

What happened was he called her to come over. She came over and they sat on his couch talking. He lied to her and told her we broke up. She then held his hand in some kind of sympathy move, and B. then began to fondle her breasts and between her legs. They went into the bedroom, and Pam kissed him but he moved away. Then she tried again, and he just let her. He lifted her shirt a bit, and she took it off herself. She undressed by herself, he did not undress her. B. removed his pants and he told her to bend over. So she bent over, and he did her from behind, standing up, with her bending over.

She asked to go on the bed, so they went on the bed. He told her to get on her knees and he put on a condom and did her like a dog. When he came, he wiped himself off, and she just rolled over. They laid there and he did not hold her, they just laid there staring at the ceiling. 15 or 20 minutes later he hears me open the front door and he panicks.

This is all from what he told me, but when I talked to Pam about it she did not deny any of this. When I asked him why he would time it so beautifully, so that it would be approximately at the time I usually arrive to his place from school he said he did not know, he kind of wanted to get caught. He felt that our relationship was falling apart again and he just wanted to do something to push me away. He said when he called her over, he was in a daze, he went through the motions and although he knew what he was doing, he also did not know what he was doing.

Pam got dressed and made to leave, but I told her to stay. She stood in the living room and did not look at me. I was steaming with anger, I wanted to strike down with thunder, I was so incredibly mad, but I did not yell.

"How could you do this? Does my faithfulness to you mean NOTHING? I know I don't have much to give you, I don't have a lot of money, but the one thing I ALWAYS gave you with faithfulness. I don't even look twice at other men. In the beginning when you told me you did not like my flirty behavior, did I not stop?! You lied to me, you told me NOTHING would happen between you two, and yet here you are, having sex with her!" I went on and on and on. I don't even remember half of what I said.

B. sat there and listened and answers he gave to questions I asked did not suffice. Most of them were "I don't know" or "I'm sorry" (which is not an answer). I talked to Pam from where I was sitting, but she never said a word. This is her character, when confronted with a problem she does not confront it, she keeps quiet and runs away. Even when the problem is right there in front of her face, she never says a word. I asked her, "what happened to 'I would never do anything with B. to hurt you'?" She said nothing.

I asked her, "I thought you said you didn't like him? Then why are you here having sex with him?!". She said nothing.

I asked her, "I thought you said 'sex is a sacred thing and it should only be done with someone special'? What happened to that?!". She said nothing.

Prior to this incident, when I talked to Pam, she told me she thought sex was something sacred. It should only be done with somebody you love, and she said she would wait until she was married to have sex. She was also a virgin until B. had sex with her. She told me that she had no feelings toward B., she told me that she would never get involved with him, she would never do something like that to hurt her friend.

I understand that B. told her he and I broke up, so I cannot blame her for that. Pam still believes that I was angry because she slept with him. Honestly, that is not why I am angry. I am angry because she lied to me. She does not understand that, even when I told her plain and simple, "I am not mad at you because you slept with him, I don't even blame you for that. I'm mad because you lied". She has the amazing ability to ignore the words when told to her plain and simple.

06. baby, you would have been brilliant

( Most of this post was erased, I had to completely revamp it, so the events are not what actually happened but are written to mirror what actually happened. It doesn't really suffice since this was a big chunk of the whole story, but I had to do it. Sorry guys. )

After that incident with Pam at B.'s apartment, our relationship went steadily downhill. B. called it quits sometime after that in the winter. I went into depression. At first I called him a lot with some hope of still lasting, but after a week of his indifferent tone of voice I gave up because I figured he didn't care anymore, let the man have his peace. I stayed home mostly, and I slept a lot. I became forgetful, it seemed like I was already dead. I was tired often and slept mostly the whole day. I would come home from school and just plop on my bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour and then fall asleep until dinner. My appetite was lost, I ate very little. Most days I skipped dinner and just slept right through. I did not call him, and whereas the sound of the phone used to spark hope that it was him, it no longer did. I had given up already, I wanted a quick peel of the band-aid.

December was a lonely month. The order of these events may not be in order, it's all a big blur, I wouldn't remember December at all if I had not gotten so sick. I called B. and told him about my condition which wasn't really that bad, but he took me to the doctor and he took care of me.

My getting sick must have evoked some sympathy in B. He became caring and worried about me. He took me out to lunch and dinners and made sure I was comfortable and tended to my needs. I let him, it was easier that way.

I got well after a few days. B. took care of me, he took off from work early to check up on me at his place. My parents left before Christmas because they had to work, so I spent Christmas with B.'s family. It felt good to be around a family, I had been feeling so apart from my own family lately, they were always working.

Christmas and New Year's was magical. I felt good after so long of feeling nothing. It feels like a beautiful rainfall when you haven't been able to feel any real emotion for so long and then you finally feel something. I still did not consider B. my boyfriend, I did not even want to think about it. I just wanted to feel Okay, and I was Okay just having fun without feeling all the pressure.

Shortly after, B. asked me if I would go back to being his girlfriend. He said Christmas and New Year's was just like how it used to be, Could we have that again? At first I did not agree, I said the reason it was that way was because there was no attachments and I could just be me, and not worry about us. I said maybe we should just remain the way we are.

The look on his face broke my heart. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug him and tell him it's okay. He was like my little baby who scraped his elbow and I wanted to kiss his boo-boo away. I wanted him to stop looking that way, extremely glum, shot down. I did not want to make him feel that way.

"Okay, Okay, I can be your girlfriend again" I said.
"No, you don't really want to. I don't want you to if you don't really want to."
"I really want to."

We went on like that for a little while, while we walked to his friend's place for dinner. I remember that night when he asked me that, because it was a beautiful night out in New York City. We were outside of J&R in City Hall, it was winter, and I remember thinking it was such a perfect winter night. So I gave up, and I became his girlfriend again. My first feeling was not to, because I knew the reasons why it seemed so perfect on Christmas and New Year's. When we took those reasons away and applied all the issues we had as a couple, I wasn't too sure of how we would hold up.

05. this is the hammer turning into a wrecking ball

A month or so later after he revealed to me that he liked her emotionally, our relationship went to hell. I was a wreck, I was clingy, I needed reassurance, and for that reassurance I needed to be with him every minute of the day. This got tiring after a while, he had enough of it after a while. He said I was suffocating him, and he called a break. We were on a break for a couple weeks, but I still saw him. I insisted we remain as "bed buddies" because I knew no other way of still having a thread of hope of getting him back.

I stuck around as his bed buddy. He still treated me like his girlfriend, and on the first occasion I thought that we were getting back together, but he broke the news to me that we are only friends. Maybe we shouldn't do this bed buddy thing? But I insisted, No, I didn't understand the terms before, I understand now.

There were times during the break that I would call his mobile frantic, because I didn't know where he was and I had this gut feeling that he was out with Pam. On some occasions, that gut feeling was right.

Pam called me, after a while of not calling me, just to shoot the breeze. We talked about nothing. She told me that B. was over at her place a couple days ago fixing her computer. She said that he stayed around, they watched movies, and ordered food. I was hurt. When I had finally gotten hold of B. that day, and I asked him what he has been up to the past few days, he said nothing about that. He told me he had been over to his parents for dinner and he stayed home the other days. I felt hurt and betrayed, I felt like he was hiding something from me.

Pam told me that she had found a boyfriend (her first), but she had also just found out that he was cheating on her. I figured since she told me something private, I could tell her something private. I told her that B. likes somebody else. I didn't tell her it was her, but the minute I told her that she started acting very weird. She would change topics every time I brought up who B. liked. Then she insisted that we make it into a guessing game. I gave up, Okay fine, go ahead guess. She guessed, she made it into a silly game. She threw every body's name in there except her own, even some guys. Even when I told her B. is not gay, she still threw in guys names. I finally had enough with it, I said "Pam, I'm just going to tell you who". And then she acted really weird, she almost screamed "NO, let me guess!". She threw in some more names, and through her talking I tried to say what I wanted to say as well. I repeated, "Look, Pam, I'm just going to tell you". But she wouldn't stop her game. Then she said, "Oh, my mom's calling me! I have to go, I'll call you back in 30 minutes." CLICK. She never called me back.

I know when someone is playing stupid with me. I've played that game many times, so I know when someone is doing the same to me. Pam was obviously playing stupid with me. Not only that, I found it extremely insulting that even when I said to her, "look I'm being serious here" (I said that somewhere in the course of her guessing game), she did not think she should evoke the courtesy to listen. Even if it's something she did not want to hear, I think she should have had at least the courtesy to not fool around that way when I was being dead serious.

I called her back, but she did not pick up. A few days later, B. and I were talking about some stuff. I said I was scared he would start a relationship with Pam, and he assured me that nothing was going to happen between them. He doesn't like her in a way that is necessary to maintain a relationship. She called him, and he told her to come over to return some video she had borrowed from Blockbuster. It was some chick flick movie and I thought it was odd that B. would borrow something like that from Blockbuster. I thought it even odder that Pam had it, because when she told me they hung out, she said they did not rent from Blockbuster because when she told me they watched movies I thought they rented some movies, but she said they did not. So I thought that they hung out again, and again when I asked B. what he was up to for the days I did not see him, he said he didn't do anything.

The Blockbuster tape was due that day, before 12, but she arrived after 12. It turned out that she did not watch the movie yet, so B. invited her to watch it at his place. She walked in, and she said hello to me. I was sitting on the couch folding laundry. B. sat there folding laundry with me, and Pam sat in one of the arm chairs.

"Are you going to watch the movie?" I asked her (my tone wasn't very cordial).
"Yeah"
"So.. are you going to put the movie in the VCR?"
She sat there silently.
I got up and put the movie in the VCR for her (my movements must have been angry, because by then I was steaming with anger and was wondering why she was sitting there like a princess waiting for someone else to do something for her).
"Here's the remote for the VCR" I said. I dropped the remote on the coffee table in front of her. She did not move to pick it up.
I folded one shirt from the pile of laundry and she did not move at all. So I reached over, grabbed the remote, and turned on the movie for her. I knew I was being a bad "host" (because B. considers me not as a "guest" but a "host" since I'm over there so much).
B. asked if she would want to help fold the laundry. She said Okay, but never made a move to grab a shirt or anything.
Finally she said, "why you having an attitude with me for?" (sounds like ghetto New York talk for anyone reading this who's not from New York. Pam and I went to a 50% Hispanic school, she lived in that area so she must have picked up the lingo. I live in an Italian area, but I never got into the whole "futgheddaboutit" kind of thing).
I blew up on her. I said she was playing mind games with me on the phone. And she said, "You're mad at me because I didn't call you back?!"
I said I was mad because she was playing mind games with me. She did not have at least the courtesy to try and listen and not interrupt my every word when I told her I have something serious to tell her.
And she said, "What? So who is it?!"
And I said, "IT'S YOU!"
B. sat there folding laundry.

Pam walked out of the apartment, and B. got up and followed her. I was appalled. Nice of B. to leave me, I thought. When B. came back up later, he was mad at me for blowing up on her. I didn't understand why he was mad, I figured she started it first (childish thinking, I know). I cried because he was mad and I did not understand. I thought he wanted me to apologize, so I called her but I got her voicemail. She must have changed it right after she left the apartment, because now it said, "I hate you, you fucking bitch", instead of her usual voicemail message. I called her a second time a few minutes later and I apologized over and over and over, I was almost in hysterics from my tears.

She said it was okay, she's not mad anymore. I asked her if she could understand how I feel, because the man I love just told me he likes someone else. Not just anyone else, my friend, which makes it so much harder. She assured me that nothing is going to happen between her and B. (just like what B. said), and she said that she would never do anything like that to hurt me. I felt better so I said sorry once again before I hung up.

B. was still giving me the cold shoulder. I went into the bathroom and let the tears fall freely.

04. this is the hammer tinkering at the walls of my world

A couple months after I discovered B. was physically attracted to Pam, he told me he liked her, emotionally as well. This is 10 times worse than liking her just physically. We were laying in bed, ready to fall asleep, and he drops the news on me. He explains that it is nothing compared to what he feels for me. He loves me, not her, do I understand that?

I did not understand that. I was silent for about 10 or 15 minutes, I said nothing. Then I stormed out of the bedroom and got into my regular clothes. It was about 1 or 2 in the morning, but I didn't care. I had to get away from there. He asked me where I was going and I said I didn't know, I just have to get out of here. He said he'll go with me, he didn't want anything to happen to me late at night. I told him I don't want him near me, but he insisted, he said there is no way I am going to let you out at night by yourself right now.

I sat on the couch and waited for him. His room mate, J. was still up. I was sitting on the couch sobbing and I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, are you okay?" J. asked.
"He likes my friend" I sobbed.

I'm not sure if J. knew who I was talking about, although he has met Pam before. He said he would take me home. I didn't want to go home at that time, I just wanted to walk. I asked if he could just walk with me, but B. insisted that he should go instead.

We walked for a little while. I fumed and sobbed, and he trailed behind. When I started ranting, he tried explaining. That even though he likes her, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I tried to understand. After a while, we went back and sat on his front steps.

I started getting these horrible pains in my side. I climbed back into bed and waited for the pain to subside while B. brought me Advil. I didn't hold him that night. My world had just shattered because I held on to that ideal that love has only room for one person. When we were sitting on the stoop, he told me that my ideal was wrong. The minute he said that, he confirmed that my world was a sham, it was a farce, it then ceased to exist.

03. this is how it starts

I worked with Pam for about six weeks. She and B. lived close to each other, so since I often slept over at B.'s house, we would go to work together. She is the type of person that is always late. I am not being mean to say this, it is just how she is. On our last day when we were supposed to meet with our supervisor for lunch, she was an hour late in meeting me. It takes 45 minutes to an hour to get to Manhattan from where we lived, and she was an hour late when I told her to meet me at 10. She came as 10:50 so we missed the lunch completely.

I did enjoy working with her. We got in a lot of trouble though. We used to rotate shifts at the front desk, but soon it became a problem because we talked a lot. At work when she had nothing to do, she would walk over to my desk and chat. This really pissed off our boss since it was a bad image for the company. Soon after, they switched her to another department permanently, so we did not rotate shifts anymore. She was very upset because she felt that our supervisor now hated her. She still found ways sneak over to chat after that. We both got in a lot of trouble for that.

She met B. the first day he came to pick me up from work. B. has a flirty personality (at least he used to). Many of his friends are females, I have not met most of them because they live out of state, but they like calling him up frequently when they want to bitch about their boyfriends. Beside that, B. is very chatty and he just basically gets along well with most people.

We would all hang out together, sometimes I would invite her over to dinner. After a while, whenever B. and I planned to do something, he would ask me, "Are you going to call Pam to come?". So I called her. After a while, I started getting ticked off because I really wanted some alone time, but Pam always seemed to be around.

Many times, when B. and I were walking back to his apartment, she would follow us in. Neither of us invited her, she just walked in with us, but neither B. nor I were brave enough to tell her to leave because we would be bad hosts.

One afternoon, Pam came over and I was tired so I took a nap on the bed. At that time, B. just got a new bed that he built himself. B. climbed in bed with me, and then he invited Pam to come and see how great the bed was. She said she was tired, and he told her to take a nap on the bed. I was extremely mad, because that was OUR bed. How could he invite another girl to sleep on OUR bed?! I walked out of the room to the bathroom and started running water for a hot shower. B. walked in after me and asked me what was wrong. I asked him why he would invite her into OUR bed. He said he didn't know, he just wanted to sleep between two girls. When he was in college he had a threesome with two lesbians (or some of his girlfriends let him have threesomes) and he said he liked waking up between two women. You cannot believe how thoroughly disgusted I was. Not only did my boyfriend expect that of me, he tried to PUSH it. And I knew he was trying to push it. Sometimes when the three of us were hanging out together he would ask her and I to hold hands as friends do. When we went grocery shopping with her once, he was holding my hand and then he moved my hand onto her shoulder. I hated it, but he kept pushing. I should have showed him how much I hated it, I would mention a few words here and there, and now my biggest regret is always letting things slide when I shouldn't have. I asked him if he liked her emotionally and he said no. I then asked him if he liked her physically and he said nothing. I asked him if he would want to sleep with her, and he sighed and said I don't know.

I was hurt and I was angry. I couldn't believe B. just said that. What kind of boyfriend is he?! I thought. What kind of love is this? Does he even love me?! He told me that night that even though he likes her physically, it doesn't mean he loves her.

Even with that, I still felt hurt and betrayed.

02. this is what i am

When people ask me how old my boyfriend is and I tell them, I get surprised reactions sometimes. My friends don't mind the 10 year age difference, in fact a lot of my male friends try to be more like him. When I met some of his friends when I was fourteen they thought I was in college, until I told them I was still in high school.

Maybe you think it's sick that he's dating a young girl like me, maybe you don't. It doesn't really matter to me, some people are like that and I don't mind if they think that way. That's just how they are. I personally don't think my boyfriend is some pervert who gets his willies out of dating young girls. He never had relationships with young girls before he met me.

I date older guys. I don't do it purposely, I just seem to attract them and vice versa. I have dated people around my own age. Those relationships were short lived and most did not hold any meaning to me.

In this blog, I will be calling my boyfriend B. We are still together, and working through his cheating on me. Before he cheated on me, I admired him more. I put him on this pedestal, this unrealistic pedestal that made everything he did wonderful. Kind of like how I used to look up to my father when I was a kid, and then when I was 12 my parents marital situation shattered my rosy little world, and my father was no longer held in that admirable light. This is how it is with B. He fell from that pedestal and in a way it's better because now he's become more real.

My friend whom he slept with, is no longer my friend. She is the same age as me. I met her in junior high, we weren't that close until I bumped into her last summer. On this blog, I will just call her "Pam". I was working at this firm last summer and I saw her at this career convention type of thing. She wanted to work there, so I asked if she could work at the firm and so that's how it got started. We didn't have a "chick fight", but we talked about it. She gave me noncommittal answers when I asked her why she would do something like that to me, so I stopped asking. I will write more about what happened between us later when my story gets to that point.

As for now, I must start at the beginning.

01. introduction

I am Peace_Keeper. That is all, I would not like to reveal too much about myself. I write this to write, simply because I like to and because I have a lot of things I would want to say. There are some things I think you might like to know about me.

01. I am a teenager closing in on my last year of high school.
02. I started this blog because my boyfriend of 2 and a half years cheated on me and I need closure.
03. My boyfriend is 10 years older than me.

For now that is all.

I don't really expect anyone to ever come across this blog and read it, but if anyone is, then I thank you for your patronage. I suppose the reason I can write so freely here is because I feel that it is private, because it's one of a million blogs on the web, it seems thin that the chances of someone stumbling across this would actually happen.